I have been struggling for the past few days. Since I decided to put my ‘Big Girls Pants‘ on I have been doing a lot of things. Some of it is to do with my university work, clearing up as the year draws to a close. Some of it is to do with my artworks and planning how I would go through everything during the Summer break. Some of it, as you know, is to do with upgrading this very blog.
This year I have struggled with maintaining my concentration and focus throughout the difficulties of the masses that appear with my Cerebral Vasculitis and the subsequent treatments I have been through to manage this. I like to keep my university life and my personal life separate, as most people like to keep work separate from their private lives. During the ‘Working Week’ of Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm I like to try to focus on my ‘busy work’. However as it is now officially my university Summer break and I will not be back at that great place of study for 3 or 4 months, so it is increasingly difficult for me to bring my mind to a place of serious focus.
Summer in Perth is incredible. Perth is beautiful. The weather is divine. I am an outdoor person who thrives on flowing organically through whichever mood and whim that takes my fancy. Simply put, already my desire to keep my ‘Big Girl Pants’ on is already waning.
In the past week I have stumbled into a situation that scares me. I cannot actually understand fully how to get myself out of it, and my ability to comprehend what has happened in the first place just seems downright ridiculous. That is how I describe it and that is how it will stay to me. I won’t disclose the particulars. You know I don’t like to talk about others, or reveal legitimate private matters unless they are specific to Thus Lupus Life of mine.
What I can tell you for now is that my mind is awash with this matter. My dreams are energetic sprints through conversations, emails and research that hasn’t actually happened, trying to negotiate and resolve this issue. I dreamed an email dialogue between one party in an attempt to better understand and resolve, which I then in turn explained to one awfully cute fellow who was trying to offer advice. The following two nights I have dreamed conversations with this cutie about possible resolutions, only to spend part of the morning wondering what the next step would be before I recall we haven’t actually spoken as yet about the matter.
So I am easing in to the warm weather. Worrying about things I have not much understanding of. Dreaming about things that have yet to happen. And, yes, maybe thinking about the cutie who may help me.
If you were to visualise my mind, you would see a butterfly all a flutter.