It is strange to think I only commented and really began my experience with Topiramate (the tops) just over a month ago. I will tell straight out it has been one of the strangest and one of the least enjoyable experiences I have had to date, as far as medication-induced experiences go.

I want to say that for me, only in my personal experience, Topiramate was not a successful treatment. It became clear after 2 weeks that I was showing signs of the Depression coming back, although not as violently as in previous times so I did not see the signs until quite recently. I was withdrawing and lacking concentration and focus. I was not as vibrant and positive. My lack of appetite was a massive danger and I developed the start of a bad eating habit in which I lost 4.5 kg in a month. My love life took a severe blow, much to my regret and dismay. I don’t sleep and then I’m awake before the sun yet my mind is always full of a haze. I cannot gain confidence to build my co-ordination and speech, and my common-sense and manners have flown out the window. I feel like a confused 15 year old girl who still hasn’t had her period.

Now I know I must be starting to sound a bit like a broken record, complaining about my medicines, but I do want to emphasise that I am Alice and I have fallen far down the rabbit hole as far as treatments go. There are no sure-fire ways to treat many chronic illnesses, simply because everyone is different and due to the nature of most chronic illnesses, many patients explode sporadically with a vast array of differing side-effects. I’m sure I say that a lot, but if not, the result of this is you need to slowly wean on to a full dose of a new drug, wait and see if it works… (let’s say it doesn’t)…then wean off it slowly, wait a bit and wean on to the next ‘potential suitor’.

It can be a lengthy process and requires patience from everyone who shares a a continent with you during this time. You need to be ultra honest with doctors, yourself and the people you see regularly. You need to hope they will be honest and strong enough to tell you if something isn’t working constantly, until you get the point. You need to hope serious damage isn’t done by yourself, to yourself in the mean time. You also need to hope the first or second medicine is ‘the ticket’ so you don’t go through this too often, as it can get exhausting and casualties may or may not be insignificant but all are noticeable.

Currently, I have been trying to live hour-to-hour, not thinking any further ahead than that. At the start of March I was smiling and telling anyone who would listen that “2014 is THE YEAR! I swear everything will fall in to place this year and it will be smooth sailing here out!” I still choose to be positive and thank heaven that this mess is being sorted out early, while I am still studying first year units at university and before winter sets in! After this weaning business is over 2014 definitely will fall in to place I believe, without Topiramate!