I know that what I will talk will confuse many. The troubles I am going through are not notable to anyone else, and yet they rock me to my core. It is why I have not been very present this last week despite all the good news I have had.
But how do I begin to explain myself to you?
My beautiful cat Polly has been in my life under two years. She came in to help be ‘my rock’, my guiding strength, a hand for me to hold.
She came to me as a kitten, only just 700mg, little more than a ball of fluff. She slept in my bed or on my lap that first day. Wow, she was so gorgeous!
The grey markings on white fur made her, I felt, as interesting and unusually appealing as I hoped I was on the inside. The fact that she looked like a beatnik (from the side) in leggings (from behind) just cemented her signature-style.
You may or may not recall Polly came to me to help me cope.
‘What did I need to cope with?’ You ask.
Life. Is my answer. It takes a lot to hold myself together. Ever since I first learned about my irresponsible immune system I have had to handle each ailment and hardship that came along relatively alone. Yes, my parents and brothers were there and yes, I am fortunate to have some good friends at my side, but there was no ‘special someone’ to watch over me as I fell apart. I became better at alerting those around me to when I needed help just as they learned how to read me.
At one time there was someone that loved me. Through her I was able to open my heart and let love in. Through her I accepted that vulnerability wasn’t to be feared but could actually help me to grow. Through her I felt a connection so strong it drew out the dormant inner strength in my. Her name was Cinta and she was my cat.
When Cinta passed away two and a half years ago I was distraught. My foundations, once solid crumbled beneath me. I had not built a foundation from caring for her, instead I had based my foundation on her. My resilience relied on her presence for comfort so was inevitably fated to collapse eventually. Replacing her wasn’t an option in the same way building on the ruins of another building isn’t possible until the mess is cleared and a new foundation laid.
Eventually, after much healing, I welcomed Polly in to my home and heart. She had a different personality, more spritely in many ways yet not aloof as active cats are wont to be. She played fetch like a dog, washed her paws as I brushed my teeth and chased balls around the house after we all went to sleep.
Over these last two years she has claimed her spot on my lap, owns her own tower by the back door and ensures we know when she is ready for feeding. Unfortunately in the last few months there have emerged some behaviors which cannot be ignored and try as I might they cannot be changed. The costs of her behaviours are piling up and can no longer be ignored.
I have saved my parents the dilemma of telling me I cannot keep her. I have stepped forward and suggested she may be able to start over in a new place. There is a very reasonable chance that a new home, with a more stable family and more fulfilling company may be all my darling girl needs. I don’t want to admit it. I don’t want to say goodbye.I’m trying to cry softly do I don’t wake her asleep on my lap.
Tonight is the last night I will have with my angel and I never want it to end.
Goodbye my love, my Polly girl.