When I speak about my multiple diagnoses and my journey through various doctors surgeries, medicines and physical maladies I suppose I gloss over a lot of the emotions that go on within me. I can recognise that mentioning once or twice that it was hard, or that I have struggled in the past with my mental health does open a portal for you to glimpse how I was feeling without me still not speaking about it directly. It has been a while since much of this occurred and due to reasons beyond my control I cannot recall these facts in great detail, the knowledge of the experiences and the memories that I do have are still so prevalent and strong in my mind.

I will attempt here to talk about those feelings, why I felt them and what thoughts went through my mind. The reason is simply that we all know someone who has been, is or will be unwell. I am not referring to coming down with a strong influenza virus, but something that has caused enough pain or had an emotional impact which has brought the mortality and realism of the fragility of life in to harsh perspective.

Lupus is an autoimmune disease. It is not a virus, and so is not transmittable. It is not something that occurs as you age, you can’t induce it by living any particular lifestyle, although there are theories that some people may have triggered early onset of particular symptoms. Certainly one you have been diagnosed and living with it for a few years you may trigger flares, however as a long-time sufferer of this disease I cannot see any point in my life in which I placed my body in a situation which may have led to this. I also don’t believe this is a punishment for my ‘sins’, nor is it God’s way of testing me or making me a better person or due to something that occurred in a past life. I was simply born with the DNA that drew the lottery, so to speak.

But where are my manners? I haven’t even begun in the natural order of these things so let me go back a step.